The feelings of solitude have begun to kick in. I feel lonely, I crave a significant other (well, I crave THE significant other) and I know this is all to be suspected.
However I have been thinking about what I miss, what exactly am I craving. It's not what I expected- although I do miss being cuddled, adored, treasured, I miss feeling special- what I genuiengly desire is to love another. I miss caring for someone else, I miss kissing him and making him feel loved, I want to send cute messages and bring cakes to his work. I miss giving love and affection more than I miss receiving it.
I know I could just find another special yet plutonic person to spoil- I could be smother my friends or family with affection- but it just doesn't feel the same, it's not as intense, not as indulgent.
I want to be the perfect lover and the perfect girlfriend, I'm craving it and it's so very hard not to give in.
But what does this say for me? Is this part of Amber? Or is this a persona mixed with menstrual emotions talking?
Perhaps it has to do with my obsession to control. I can't control how I'm feeling but if I'm the perfect girlfriend then I can control how he is feeling. If he feels loved and spoilt, then maybe i will feel better.
I always have to please others to get control. I can't focus on myself.
It is a difficult issue to combat because it is viewed so positively by society, surely it can't be a bad thing to be so caring? Being "selfless" is a good thing right?
Perhaps I am over thinking it, I don't feel particularly out of control, I'm not stressed or anxious or angry. I'm tired and sooky, maybe I just want to love?
Caring and kindness are definitely a "Amber" trait and I'm proud of that. But I can acknowledge the control issue, using caring and loving to combat my problems is certainly a concept I want to ponder further.
But perhaps tonight I can just accept that it would be nice to love someone, deeply and truly, even just for tonight.
Amber- (slightly white)
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