Fear, secrecy, guilt

i had therapy on Thursday. It was strange. I seem to be stuck on something, but something that is so ingrained within me that I'm struggling to combat it.
I've been riding this vicious cycle of fear, secrecy and guilt. Secrecy, guilt, fear. Guilt, fear, secrecy.
No matter how it's ordered, it's irrevocable.


It needs to stop.

.org-anisation

It has been a crazy week at work, I tried my hand out at being boss and I'm not sure if I enjoy it. I adore the control, I love the hours, I'm entertained by the business- I just don't enjoy the silent stuff, the undertones of responsibility.
We had three serious incidents, and, instead of being the person who comforts the child and reports back what happened, I was the person who conducted the investigation.
I didn't enjoy it.

However back to normal work this week, back to the normal routine.
I'm writing out the term plan this weekend and will hopefully get around to crafting some examples.
This is after I organise the linen closet and gain a sense of control over my life.

It's 1.44am and I miss your body pressed against mine. The way we fit together like puzzle pieces. Your arm thrown over my body. Your snores against my neck.

I miss that right now

Around the...

I have been thinking of taking a world wide trip, I mean, I'm unhappy here, and I plan to see the world one day anyway. So why not do it now?
I will have to plan it out logically to see as much as I can, along with visas and such.

I'll be ms Verne

One must not tell lies. 

Or one will lose all credibility as the person they promised to be. 

Too little too late

its heartbreakingly ironic,
That you never loved me when I loved you

When I adored you
When I was obsessed with you
Immersed in you
You never cared for me

It wasn't until you had leapt over the uncrossble line
Did you decide

That you loved me.



     I wish you decided sooner.

It's Monday, it's Monday! Quick time to gather all my shit until it can be truly classified as together.

Okay so meal plan written, gym organised with ash, walking planned daily. Hopefully that puts me on the right track.
I'm spending tonight and tomorrow resting and planning for next week.

I am currently meal planning because I just checked and I've gained TEN KILOS since moving home. Eep

Back to Positive

Okay stop,
just stop.

Now shake that shit off.
Stop listening to Lana Del Rey
Stop stress eating
Stop being so mellodramatic


You're fine, you're actually so so fine.

Even though you had an emotional mess of a week, inbetween the chocolate bars and the love poems, You actually accomplished a lot.

This week I:
-Finished a whole book
- Walked excessive amounts
- Worked really hard at work
- Had dinner with my boss, a new friend.
- Cleaned my room regularly
- Maintained the Bullet Journal
- Didn't flip the fuck out like I wouldve.

Seeeeeee, this isnt a fail of a week. I still accomplished lots, and at least I expressed my emotions.
I am fine


Time to pull myself out of this mood.
Also next on the Reading List is the Big Sleep.


Ready team?

one
two
three
BREAK

Loving you was hard,
        Not loving you is harder

Fuckthis

Today was a bad day. From the moment I woke up, ripped violently from sleep by a nightmarish version of him- it was a bad day.
I've been emotional, and sore, and I've contracted some sort of illness from my niece.
So I sooked, all day. I sooked in the morning, just reading and drinking tea and being sensitive to social medical up until work. I sooked at work, admittedly not as bad, as there was work to be done. Now I've sooked all night, I've binge eaten, I've been needy via texts to my friends, and I've gone to bed ridiculously early.

But perhaps I won't sook tonorrow, perhaps all I needed was to let myself be indulgent in my grieving  and tomorrow it will pass.
If not tomorrow
The next day
Or the next

    I have to keep trying

I had a nightmare about you and was put back in my place.

Maybe I'm just a little on the white side. Or perhaps it was the conversations about marriage with my boss over dinner or the romantic novel I'm reading.  Maybe I'm sooky, emotional, sleepy. Maybe I've taken too many/not enough painkillers. Maybe it's because I'm cold. Maybe it's because I was just hit on by someone other than you. Maybe it's a million other reasons. Or maybe I just really, really miss you right now.

Like so fucking much.

And just when I was doing so well.

So my Tuesday started with getting zapped by a laser, and then was followed by a unique experience. Whilst having a smoke I was approached by a homeless guy- he gave me his semi coherent life story also I chatted with him for a long while. Eventually he talked about how lonely he was and how he'd love me to be his partner. Naturally I declined, but it was heartbreaking to see how sincere it was. We finally came to an agreement that I would chat to him whenever I saw him, but I didn't want to be his partner. I then bought him MacDonalds for breakfast and quickly disappeared.

I'm not sure is the meal or the company benefitted him more.


Good deed for the day complete

To sook or not to sook?

Okay so I was going to write this post about how difficult it is to be alone, and pretty much have a big sook about how much I miss him. But no, it's the morning, on a Tuesday and it's time to be positive.

Here are some things that I'm doing much better at:
I walked Monday-Thursday last week (I was in Sydney for the other days) and have noticed that my sleep is much better and also my mood.
Last night we began walking again and I noticed that we have already cut down the time of the walk substantially.
As far as diet goes I've been eating a little bit better, certainly nothing to brag about but I've noticed my portion control is better, I feel fuller faster.

Yesterday I went to work early, unpaid, and smashed out the vacation care prep, I do love organising so this wasn't a particularly big task however Eve appreciated it immensely.
In fact Eve invited me out for dinner tonight, we are going to have a pub meal and plan all next term.
I'm looking forward to it.

The plan for today is to work on the QIP a little, go get my laser, run a few errands and then start work early to do more paper work.


See! That was better than sooking.
(Just a real quick one, I've found the perfect lingerie and I don't want anyone to see me in it bar you)



Amber front and centre,

Xx

Walking to work
Somehow
I smelt you
Really a smelt you
And my whole body yearned
My mouth
My chest
My lips
Everything

Everything aside from my stomach
Which told me to just keep walking
Walk to work
And continue on your journey

Post-weekend conversations with myself

I spent this weekend in Sydney. It was fun, It was long, but most of all it was educational. I know that trips to the city are always educational in one regard or another- but this was educational for me.
I learnt of more virtues that I can attribute to "amber" and I also learnt that virtues can be shared between personas- something I have never thought of before.

So if you had of previously asked me which persona the virtues of "Strength, confidence, sociability, and courage" belonged to I would have, without a second thought, said The Woman in Red. I had only every experienced these behaviors (in a social situation) with her.
However I spent the whole weekend, keeping her at bay. Even when confronted with drugs and alcohol, I managed to keep her restrained, whilst also being able to act confidently and be social.
Although it wasn't completely natural (I'll admit I had to actively keep her in check) it wasn't an immense effort, and it was successful.

So it feels like a success. I also got to hang out with James, which is always a positive, although we didn't do much other than eat and watch cartoons, he always makes me feel at home.
It an amazing feeling to be myself, and still be considered interesting/likeable.

On a completely unrelated note, Nate now loves me, and I am babysitting him and its adorable.

Love,
Amber

In everything I hear
Everything I do,
         I find you

Friday morning positivity

I've walked at least 5kms with Egan every night this week, both the exercise and the consistent ramblings we offload on each other has made an immense improvement on my mood. Perhaps it's from a physiological sense or perhaps it's because I'm actually doing something and getting out of the house. Either way I'm sleeping better, I'm feeling better and hopefully my body will thank me.

Reading frequently has also helped, my mind is feeling much more satisfied focussing on something other than its own turmoil. I've created a "to read" shelf on my desk, which consists of both classics/dense books and modern mums-would-read-it-on-the-beach books.
I've decided to alternate between the two. So I am currently up to a book the latter category and I've picked Only in Naples, which seems to be equal parts unrealistic romantic ideals and glorified travel writings; which right now, is perfect.

As far as eating goes, I've got better. I'm eating healthier but not perfect. I am taking baby steps. Having your period and avoiding sweets is always a hard feet and I'm afraid I failed there. There is always next week right?

Next week is my last week of normal work hours before the two week holiday period where I am Coordinator for a handful of shifts and working long hours on the other. This should all add up to more money and more sense of purpose, two things that I certainly need at the moment.

On the topic of, well, actually doing things, I've got plans for the whole weekend!
Tonight I am going to Sydney to see an indie pop gig with Tyson and his friends in Newtown; I originally didn't want to go- I mean it's a long way and I don't have the money- but ty and his friends don't drink or do drugs, so that removes 90% of the spending and I think it will be good to he around people who have their life together, perhaps I'll be inspired to take up vigorous exercise or give up fats, or maybe his friends will inspire me to become board game fanatics and collect buttons (I'm being unfair now, but hey Tyson did say they play board games and one can only assume button collecting is the next best step). So that's tonight. I will either return after the gig or else I'll stay at James'. Not that I couldn't stay at their house but I dunno, I pee a lot during the night and that makes me nervous to stay somewhere I haven't been.
On Saturday night I am going to see the new Blair Witch Project film with Michelle and Steph from work. I said yes as a reflex and immediately regretted it- but actually now I am kind of looking forward to it. I like scary movies, and I *voice strained* Michelle and Steph, so I shouldn't complain. Besides having a sense of comradery at work is always a positive, and I might make new friends or open up new avenues.
Sunday is less set in stone, but Egan and I vaguely planned to walk Mt Tomaree on Sunday- or else do something equally athletic and adventury. However the weather is proving to be an issue so perhaps that plan will be squashed.
However I don't particularly mind because I'd like to have time to reorganise (control control control) my cupboards for spring time weather and do some meal planning/general weekday prep.

And there's my early morning positivity!


Signed,
Front and centre Amber

Not for me, for them

The feelings of solitude have begun to kick in. I feel lonely, I crave a significant other (well, I crave THE significant other) and I know this is all to be suspected.
However I have been thinking about what I miss, what exactly am I craving. It's not what I expected- although I do miss being cuddled, adored, treasured, I miss feeling special- what I genuiengly desire is to love another. I miss caring for someone else, I miss kissing him and making him feel loved, I want to send cute messages and bring cakes to his work. I miss giving love and affection more than I miss receiving it.
I know I could just find another special yet plutonic person to spoil- I could be smother my friends or family with affection- but it just doesn't feel the same, it's not as intense, not as indulgent.
I want to be the perfect lover and the perfect girlfriend, I'm craving it and it's so very hard not to give in.

But what does this say for me? Is this part of Amber? Or is this a persona mixed with menstrual emotions talking?
Perhaps it has to do with my obsession to control. I can't control how I'm feeling but if I'm the perfect girlfriend then I can control how he is feeling. If he feels loved and spoilt, then maybe i will feel better.
I always have to please others to get control. I can't focus on myself.
It is a difficult issue to combat because it is viewed so positively by society, surely it can't be a bad thing to be so caring? Being "selfless" is a good thing right?

Perhaps I am over thinking it, I don't feel particularly out of control, I'm not stressed or anxious or angry. I'm tired and sooky, maybe I just want to love?

Caring and kindness are definitely a "Amber" trait and I'm proud of that. But I can acknowledge the control issue, using caring and loving to combat my problems is certainly a concept I want to ponder further.
But perhaps tonight I can just accept that it would be nice to love someone, deeply and truly, even just for tonight.



Amber- (slightly white)

tummy tickles

I always believed that most people had a concrete view on who they were. I thought my friends and family were grounded by this unshakable sense of who they are- that my Father was comforted by an irrevocable feeling of self certainly, and that even my insane Mother had a few elements that she knew made up her soul. 

I've asked a number of people now- no one can give me an answer. Many people tell me (or perhaps themselves) of things that they desire to make up there self. Whilst others tell me about personality traits, or hobbies, or even interests.
I never knew what exactly it was I was looking for, but no one's answers seemed adequate. To me it would be a feeling, deep within yourself, that when you close your eyes- you know who you are.

I want that. 

I can feel little niggles, tremors of my self when I close my eyes, but its not the deep, certain secure sense that I so crave. 

I am currently compiling a mental list of all things that make these niggles grow stronger, if I identify those that do, and discard (at least temporarily) those that don't- then perhaps I shall achieve my aim. 

Reading List

Here lies a collection of books I will aspire to read:

- Dracula
- Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde
- Lord of the Flies
-The Giving Tree
-The Kite Runner
- Giver
- Little Women
- Of Mice and Men
- Night
- The Grapes of Wrath
- A Thousand Splendid Suns
- Flowers for Algeron
- The Old Man and The Sea
- The Scarlet Letter
- The Stranger
- Don Quixote
- The Poisonwood Bible
- Seven Years in Tibet
- Into the Wild
- The Geography of Bliss
- Wild
-Into Thin Air
- A Year in Provenance
- L'Affaire
- Travel with Charley
- The Little Prince
- The Catcher in the Rye
- Fahrenheit
- Brave New World
- The Secret Garden
- A Tale of Two Cities
- All Quiet on the Western Front
- Witch Child
- My Year with Elanor
- Tuesdays with Morrise
- The Secret History
- American Gods
- The Definning Decade
- Of Human Bondage
- A Single Man
- East of Eden
- As I Lay Dying
- Demian
- The Solitude of Prime Numbers
- The Teachings of Don Juan
- Homage to Catalonia
- Down and Out in Paris
- Notes from the Underground
- KPAX

hello.

This is a therapeutic collection of ramblings, plans, lists and collections that will hopeful assist me in discovering myself. 

I need desperately to regain control of my identity- I don't want to be red, I don't want to be white.. I want only to be amber. 

I have only a vague understanding of who I am, more of a small sense, but it is confused and faltering, it feels something like the memory of a dream when you awake. I can feel that it is there, but I just cant grasp it. 

But I must. I need it. I can't live like this. I can live as many. I desire to be just one.